Where's the video? Here are my comments about the draft posted on Kolten's site.
I like this much better from the original script that you first shared. I think this version tells a better story but there's still work to be done. First, if the employees are one of the main ingredients to their success, why don't you show them more? We hardly see any b-roll of them working. I want a variety of shots and don't forget the close ups! You have a wide shot of the restaurant but I want close ups so we can see these hard working employees. What about interviewing one of them? I think an interview with an employee giving their take on what makes this place a success after all these years would really help this out. I also need to see a wide shot of what the whole place looks like. I see close ups of the sign and one wide of the hotel part, but no wide establishing shot of the entire place. I think you've both done a good job but more needs to be done to make this a great project. The script still needs a little bit of work as well. I like the word play you used in the beginning. That was clever. There also looked like there was a slight jump cut in one of Jonathan's dad interviews. The b-roll for the part about the origin of the bakery needs shots of the bakery. You have shots of the kitchen instead. Do you have any pictures of the outside of the old location? The VO about setting a goal of a good environment needs work. It doesn't sound right. Mrs. Joto's interview is too much like a profile shot. She's turned too much to the side. Your b-roll of the food also needs to be color corrected. They look bland or orange at times. No shots of what hurricane Iniki did to the business? They must have some still shots someplace they could share with you. That next sound bite from the father right after the hurricane sound bite is jarring. They are two different things and you merged them together like they were the same. You need a VO in between them to space them out. Shots of the restaurant when it's not busy also isn't very flattering. You need to go when it's busy. Now after all that, don't get discouraged. This isn't an easy story as you have to weave the history of the place, why they are successful, what they've struggled with, etc. It's going to take some time. But maybe over the break you can go back and get some better shots and work on the script a bit more. Keep it up!
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.