Ok, this isn't bad. I think, however, that the part after the first chorus where they are sitting in a group and the girl is just watching them is a little creepy, don't you think? Already she was watching them from a far before that and now she's just watching them again? Maybe have her do something else like being on her phone after that first chorus. Then it doesn't seem so creepy. That whole next part about them getting up, moving, sitting down, then getting up and moving is just really weird. Think about how this would look on an actual playground. Would a group of friends really do this? I think a more realistic approach would be to have the group just doing their own fun stuff together, then they notice her in the distance, and then motion for her to come over. That seems like something that could actually happen.
After the second chorus the girl pops out of a hiding space. When did go and hide to begin with? The last thing she did before that was to move to the bench.
That whole part after that doesn't make sense. If the whole group chased after her, wouldn't she be so scared that she would run away? I would! This needs more work to make it make more sense. Think about what you would feel like if you were the girl. Then think what it would feel like to be one of the other kids. Let's make this more realistic. 2.5 points
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